Sarcastic Burglar

Late one evening, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house once more, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks — startled and frightened — Frantically, he looked all around. Then in a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage — and in the cage happened to be a parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” replied the bird.

“Well that’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.

“What kind of idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answered, “Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

“Having Guts” vs “Having Balls”: Do You Know The Difference?

Subject: “Having Guts” vs “Having Balls”

Do You know the difference?

At one time or another, we’ve all heard people talk about having or not having the guts or people having or not having the balls to do or say something. But do you really know the difference between the two?

Well, in an effort to clarify the difference for you and to keep you well informed, you’ll find the definition below…

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask….. “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, wreaking of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say…..”You’re next!”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the out come, since they both ultimately result in death. 😛

Deer Hunter’s Log: A Day In The Life Of A Deer Hunter

Deer Hunter’s Log:

A Day In The Life Of A Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive – drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Turn around and drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp – Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: “CLICK”

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don’t know where camp is.

12 NOON : Fire gun for help – Eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets – Eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange rumbling feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped – Throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to hunt deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun – Leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty out gun on bug that is annoying you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp – See deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing – Throw scorched clothes in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup – Leave hunting partners and deer carcass in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup overheats and boils over due to hole shot in engine block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall – Drop gun – Lands in mud.

6:35 PM: Encounter bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun – Blow up barrel that’s plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Defecate in jeans.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear finally leaves – Wrap f-in gun around tree.

12 Midnight: Home at last – Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Stay home – Watch football game on TV – Tear up hunting license into small pieces – place in envelope – Mail to Game Warden giving very explicit instructions as to what he can do with it.

Amusing Stats About Santa & His Flying Reindeer

Below is a very eye-opening and amusing story I came across recently about the possibility of Santa and his faithful helpers making their annual pilgrimage around the world later this week. I’d like to share this with all of you readers out there for your enjoyment. I’m sure this has circulated around cyberspace already a few times… as I claim no responsibility for the writing of this article.

Prepare yourself for some amazing as well as intriguing revelations and enjoy this particular account of the possibilities…..

Amusing Statistics About Santa & His Flying Reindeer

There are no known species of reindeer that are able to fly. However, there are roughly 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not necessarily rule out flying reindeer – Though Santa and my uncle Ralph (back in his drinking days) are the only people who have ever reported seeing any.

There are two billion children (small people under the age of 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle most non-Christian children (including Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, agnostic, etc.) that reduces the workload to about 15 per cent of the total (roughly 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau). At a rate of, say 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good kid in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical and makes the most sense).  That’s 822.6 visits per second. For each eligible household, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, put presents under the tree, eat any snacks, kiss mommy (when available), zoom back up the chimney, hop into the sleigh and move on.

Assuming each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose for our calculations), we’re now talking about 0.78 miles per household – a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to let Santa and the reindeer do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours.

This means that Santa’s sleigh moves at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles a second. A conventional reindeer, by the way, can run 15 miles per hour – tops – or 0.004 miles per second.

Now the payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more that a medium-sized Lego set (about two pounds each), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, and that’s not counting chubby Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not counting the sleigh) to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II (the ship, not the monarch).

Now 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles a second creates enormous air resistance, which would heat the reindeer to incandescence in the same fashion as spacecraft or meteors entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy – Per second –  Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 gravities. A 250-pound Santa (a wee bit of an underestimate) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, in conclusion….. “If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.” 😦

Oh….. And by the way….. Merry Christmas!

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with ‘the girls.’ I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.

The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. “Whew,” I thought, “got away with that one!”

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!” cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.