Deer Hunter’s Log:
A Day In The Life Of A Deer Hunter
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive – drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Turn around and drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp – Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: “CLICK”
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don’t know where camp is.
12 NOON : Fire gun for help – Eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets – Eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange rumbling feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped – Throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to hunt deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun – Leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty out gun on bug that is annoying you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp – See deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing – Throw scorched clothes in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup – Leave hunting partners and deer carcass in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup overheats and boils over due to hole shot in engine block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall – Drop gun – Lands in mud.
6:35 PM: Encounter bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun – Blow up barrel that’s plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Defecate in jeans.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear finally leaves – Wrap f-in gun around tree.
12 Midnight: Home at last – Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Stay home – Watch football game on TV – Tear up hunting license into small pieces – place in envelope – Mail to Game Warden giving very explicit instructions as to what he can do with it.