Humorous Observations of Real Life Experiences

Just when you thought you’ve heard it all, someone comes up with more random thoughts. Here are a few more humorous observations of real life experiences. I’m sure some of these will hit home with you. Enjoy! 🙂

  • Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  • Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a   mechanic.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing… It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  • I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • I don’t repeat gossip….. so listen carefully.
  • Lord, if I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
  • Discover Wildlife!  — Have Kids!
  • “Genuine Antique Person” — Been there, done that, can’t remember!
  • By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb the fence!
  • Never buy anything you can’t sell at a garage sale
  • I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so much it caught my underwear on fire!

Random Thoughts To Make You Think

Here are a few random thoughts that should make you think a little… and when you do, it’s simply amazing how many of these you may laugh at… but are somehow ringing true in your head when you really stop and think about it….. Enjoy! 😛

A Few Random Thoughts To Make You Think…

  • If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
  • Man’s most common fault is not knowing what he doesn’t know.
  • To steal ideas from one person is called plagiarism… to steal from many is called research.
  • I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing – It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. – quoted by Mark Twain –
  • The cure for insomnia is relatively simple — Get more sleep!
  • Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can’t always blame on the government.
  • Forty is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  • If you can’t be a good example… You’ll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
  • One of the life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
  • You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

12 Not-So-Deep Thoughts

Here are 12 not-so-deep thoughts to ponder if you find you have a little too much free time on your hands…

    • Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    • The good things that come to those who wait may be the things left over by those who got there first.
    • A fine is a tax for doing something wrong while a tax is a fine for doing something well.
    • When you go into court for a trial, aren’t you  putting your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty?
    • Light travels faster than sound – So this is probably why some people appear bright until you hear them open their mouths to speak.
    • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
    • It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.
    • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea… does that mean that one in five enjoys it?
    • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and overtake them all.
    • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
    • If it’s true that we are all here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
    • Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

      Questionable Thought Process

      man-scratching-headHave you ever wondered how someone comes up with names of things or words that mean the opposite of what they are really meant to describe? There’s a questionable thought process involved here somewhere. If you think about it, there are quite a few examples of them in the English language. Here are a few to start you off .

      There’s gotta be tons more out there – Do any more come to mind off the top of your head?

      • Why is it that we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
      • Why is it that freight packages sent on trucks are called shipments and freight packages sent on ships are called cargo?
      • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
      • Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
      • When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
      • Who tastes dog food when it says ‘new & improved’ flavor on the label?
      • If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen can be defrocked, doesn’t it make sense that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

      Here are a few more to ponder that I came across recently…..

      • Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that the bench has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
      • If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
      • The shortest sentence in the English language is reportedly, “I am” . So isn’t it possible that “I Do” might be considered the longest sentence?
      • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

      Is Life Really Measured By Numbers?

      Here are a few ironic thoughts about aging and growing older – Ask yourself this…..

      Is life really measured by numbers or by milestones we reach?

      Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we are kids?

      If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

      ‘How old are you?’ … I’m four and a half!’ – You’re never thirty-six and a half – You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

      You get into your teens and now nothing can hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even jump a few numbers ahead.

      ‘How old are you?’ … I’m gonna be 16!’. You could be 13 – but hey – You’re gonna be 16!

      And then the greatest day of your life  comes — You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony — YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

      But then you turn 30 – Oooohh!! – What happened there? Makes you sound like sour milk! He TURNED 30 … we had to throw him out! Now it’s no fun – you’re just a sour-apple – What’s wrong? What’s changed?

      You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 – Whoa! –  Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

      And your dreams are gone.

      But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would.

      So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

      You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing… you HIT Wednesday.

      You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle… you HIT lunch… you TURN 4:30… you REACH bedtime – And it doesn’t end there.

      Into the 90’s, you start going backwards… ‘I Was JUST 92.’

      Then a strange thing happens..

      If you make it to 100… you become a little kid again…. ‘ I’m 100 and a half!’

      May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

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      HOW TO STAY YOUNG
      1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay “them”.

      2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

      3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

      4. Enjoy the simple things.

      5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

      6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

      7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

      8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

      9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

      10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

      And here’s something you should ALWAYS REMEMBER …..

      Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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      george-carlin-memory

      george_carlinThis is posted here as a tribute to my favorite comic of all-time, the incredibly perceptive, talented and great comedian, the late George Carlin. RIP George