Sarcastic Burglar

Late one evening, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house once more, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks — startled and frightened — Frantically, he looked all around. Then in a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage — and in the cage happened to be a parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” replied the bird.

“Well that’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.

“What kind of idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answered, “Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

Deer Hunter’s Log: A Day In The Life Of A Deer Hunter

Deer Hunter’s Log:

A Day In The Life Of A Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive – drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Turn around and drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp – Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: “CLICK”

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don’t know where camp is.

12 NOON : Fire gun for help – Eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets – Eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange rumbling feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped – Throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to hunt deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun – Leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty out gun on bug that is annoying you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp – See deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing – Throw scorched clothes in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup – Leave hunting partners and deer carcass in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup overheats and boils over due to hole shot in engine block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall – Drop gun – Lands in mud.

6:35 PM: Encounter bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun – Blow up barrel that’s plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Defecate in jeans.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear finally leaves – Wrap f-in gun around tree.

12 Midnight: Home at last – Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Stay home – Watch football game on TV – Tear up hunting license into small pieces – place in envelope – Mail to Game Warden giving very explicit instructions as to what he can do with it.

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with ‘the girls.’ I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.

The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. “Whew,” I thought, “got away with that one!”

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!” cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is trying to explain biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. At this point little Johnny raises his hand and states matter-of-factly “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

Knowing how precious some of these stories could become, the teacher asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

“Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he had jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must have been quite scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was!” quipped Johnny. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F*ck”, the Rottweiler ate him!”

Medical Problem

angry_old_lady_with_caneAn old woman went into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.

“I pass gas all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve done it no less than twenty times. What can I do?” The woman asked.

The Doctor replied “Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”

The next week, a very upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office and angrily stated, “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, next we’ll work on your hearing!!!

Knowledge

airplane-with-peopleA stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,” Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger, “How about nuclear power?” and he smiles.

“Oh” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question… A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit.”

Proud Dads’ Discovery At Golf

Clip Art Graphic of a White Chefs Hat Cartoon CharacterFour golfing buddies head out to the country club to play a round of golf one early bright Sunday morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their grown children while walking to the first tee.

“My son Bill,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself as a contractor in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but he now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, that in the last year, he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

The second man, not to be out-done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line auto dealership. “George is so successful in fact, that in the last six months, he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift.”

The third man’s son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man finally arrives, from the clubhouse, at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their offspring’s successes and then proceeds to ask what line of work his son is in.golf-green

“To tell you the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son turned out,” he replies. “For 15 years, Frank’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay. On the bright side however, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.”