Sarcastic Burglar

Late one evening, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house once more, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks — startled and frightened — Frantically, he looked all around. Then in a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage — and in the cage happened to be a parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” replied the bird.

“Well that’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.

“What kind of idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answered, “Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

Deer Hunter’s Log: A Day In The Life Of A Deer Hunter

Deer Hunter’s Log:

A Day In The Life Of A Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive – drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Turn around and drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp – Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: “CLICK”

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don’t know where camp is.

12 NOON : Fire gun for help – Eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets – Eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange rumbling feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped – Throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to hunt deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun – Leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty out gun on bug that is annoying you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp – See deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing – Throw scorched clothes in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup – Leave hunting partners and deer carcass in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup overheats and boils over due to hole shot in engine block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall – Drop gun – Lands in mud.

6:35 PM: Encounter bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun – Blow up barrel that’s plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Defecate in jeans.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear finally leaves – Wrap f-in gun around tree.

12 Midnight: Home at last – Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Stay home – Watch football game on TV – Tear up hunting license into small pieces – place in envelope – Mail to Game Warden giving very explicit instructions as to what he can do with it.

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with ‘the girls.’ I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.

The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. “Whew,” I thought, “got away with that one!”

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!” cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is trying to explain biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. At this point little Johnny raises his hand and states matter-of-factly “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

Knowing how precious some of these stories could become, the teacher asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

“Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he had jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must have been quite scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was!” quipped Johnny. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F*ck”, the Rottweiler ate him!”

Medical Problem

angry_old_lady_with_caneAn old woman went into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.

“I pass gas all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve done it no less than twenty times. What can I do?” The woman asked.

The Doctor replied “Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”

The next week, a very upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office and angrily stated, “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, next we’ll work on your hearing!!!