Stupid Criminals Across America

stoopid-criminals-inmate-signI’m sure that most of you can agree that, every now and then, when things just aren’t going right, you get the feeling that today is just not your day. You need something to “pick up your spirits” or “perk you up” … and you want to avoid caffeine, ’cause you don’t want to be jittery and up all night, you don’t need that half gallon of  double mocha fudge rocky road Oreo-crunch ice cream laced with caramel swirl and pieces of Butterfingers to play havoc with your waistline , and you don’t care to deal with the after-affects in the morning of that double shot of brandy or flask of peppermint schnapps.  Stay away from that box of Twinkies also. No – what you really need is a good strong dose of reading about people who had a much worse day than you. You’ll soon realize that maybe, just maybe, your day wasn’t so bad after all. Kick back and enjoy some laughs of actual true accounts of criminals caught in-the-act of stupidity or a “brain-fart” while committing a crime — while exercising no common sense what-so-ever — You might even call them, “intellectually challenged“.

Queens, New York –

A man without any scruples had attracted a lot of attention and interest recently when he returned to a Queens bank he had robbed to open up a savings account there, police reported. “What a dope!” said one amazed police official, who could barely contain his laughter. “This guy has to get the jackass of the year award. I guess that’s why they call them ‘criminals’ – sometimes they’re just really stupid.” Police say Jack Schreiner, 30, strolled into a Chase Manhattan Bank branch on Jamaica Ave. at 10:30 last Monday morning and handed a teller a note demanding money. The teller complied and surrendered $7,791 in cash. On Friday, Schreiner returned to the bank at 11:24 a.m. – this time to open up a savings account. After the manager and teller verified the man was the original bank robber, the police were called and were able to catch their man and make the arrest.

Reading, Pennsylvania –

In Berks County (PA), police arrested a 16-year-old driver and his 19-year-old passenger when the driver “coolly” pulled up to a sobriety checkpoint and told officers they were on the way to a party, even though both were obviously intoxicated. As it turned out, the car was littered with empty as well as open beer cans, and the boys looked much younger than the legal drinking age of 21. Two other problems were soon discovered… It appeared that the car had been reported stolen recently, and in the back seat was a leather satchel containing various license plates, car titles and other motor-vehicle papers.

Detroit, Michigan –

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer’s asked him for a piece of identification.Gaitlin gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Santa Barbara, California

A career criminal was sentenced to 25 years to life in prison under California’s three-strikes law for stealing $11 worth of wine, lip balm and breath freshener. Superior Court Judge Frank Ochoa called Ronald Herrera, 57, one of the worst criminals to pass through his courtroom, and prosecutor DarrylPerlin said: “He’s what the three-strikes law is all about.” Herrera’s record lists 17 serious felonies, including a 1971 home-invasion robbery and rape of a woman and her 15-year-old daughter, the shooting of a police dispatcher, and six armed robberies in Virginia. He was sentenced Thursday for burglary and petty theft at a supermarket. At trial, his lawyer said Herrera has a brain injury that made him forget to pay for the items.

Colorado Springs, Colorado –

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Seattle, Washington –

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma –

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should have blown your [expletive] head off.”  The defendant paused, then quickly added, “…if I’d been the one that was there.”  The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

Auburn, California –

After serving eight months in Placer County Jail for auto theft and drunken driving, Jessie * never got out of the facility’s parking lot. Less than 15 minutes after being given his freedom, the 28-year old Loomis resident was back in jail for allegedly plotting a bank robbery with an undercover officer who met him in the parking lot. Authorities had learned that Alexander planned to rob a bank within a week of being let out of jail. Four agencies arranged for an undercover officer to meet with Alexander in the parking lot. Alexander then solicited the undercover officer man’s help for a bank robbery. He was arrested at 6:10 a.m. – just 14 minutes after he’d walked out of jail. Alexander is charged with soliciting another person to commit a felony and is being held on $30,000 bail.

San Francisco, California –

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, “This iz a stikkup.  Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left.  The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who seized the man as he stood waiting back at the end of the line at Bank of America.

Nashville, Tennessee –

A man hitchhiking on a rural stretch of road finally had a car stop to offer him a ride. He didn’t have any money on him so he offered the driver a small bag of crack cocaine. He quickly learns that his “ride offer” is from an off duty police officer and is promptly handcuffed and arrested

Pontiac, Michigan –

Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial for drug possession in a Pontiac, Michigan courtroom, said he had been searched without a warrant.  The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun.  Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court.  He handed it over so the judge could see it.  The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Stevens Point, Wisconsin –

A woman didn’t have to look far to figure out who likely broke into her home and took a camera from her purse. Police said the burglar left behind his probation and parole card.

Georgia –

Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and blurted, “Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.”

Arizona –

A man walked into a local Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Kentucky –

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home…with the chain still attached to the machine…with their bumper still attached to the chain…with their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina –

A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana –

A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet (with ID) on the counter.

Arizona –

A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas –

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a check … a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

Virginia –

Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

Louisiana –

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled– leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Tennessee –

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank’s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. What’s interesting is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank… so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.

Arkansas –

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.  Seems the liquor store window was made of “plexi-glass”.  The whole event was caught on videotape.

California –

In an Orange County Courtroom, a man had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

Ohio –

A man who had been arrested for sexual assault back in June, had crawled into bed with three sleeping women and ended up having sex with one of them “to prove a point.” He said he wanted “to show her that she could be had,” because he suspected the women to be a lesbian. The investigator stated, “He thought it would bring her back “over” and make her act right.”

Montgomery County, (state unspecified) –

A Montgomery County motel manager called the police to report that a guest had refused to pay his bill. It turns out the arriving officers netted a fully operational drug lab inside the guest’s motel room.

Unspecified Location –

A man walked into a drug store, proceeded to pull a gun, announce a robbery, and then pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head ….. only to realize that he had forgotten to cut eye-holes in the mask.

Unspecified Location –

A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1st) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2nd) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3rd) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed “911” for help.

Unspecified Location –

A woman had reported her car was stolen, and told authorities that there was a “car phone” inside it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.  They arranged to meet, and the thief was promptly arrested.

And finally….. this just in…..

Get-out-of-the-car

Idiot Awards – Here’s Your Sign!

golden_idiotHere are some actual accounts from across America of a combination of stupid criminals plus a few other not-to-bright folks. You might even call them “intellectually challenged” or “dimwits“. They’re usually not the sharpest tools in the shed while  some may even be close to 51 cards short of a full deck.

Sit back and enjoy 🙂

A Mom’s Not-To-Bright Solution

A report came in from a medical student  currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center claiming… Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her  little daughter eating  ants.  She was quickly reassured that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  She was told that she  better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here’s your sign,  lady –  Wear it with pride.

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Not quite eligible for employees of the month

Early this year, some  Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a  life raft from one of the 747’s. They were successful in getting it out of  the plane and home. Shortly after they  took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming  towards them.  It turned out  that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.  Needless to say, they are no longer employed at  Boeing.

Here’s your sign guys – Don’t get it wet – the paint might run.

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Stay in school kids … and pay attention!

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the local branch and wrote on a deposit slip, “this iz a stikkup –  Put all yur muny in this bag.” While  standing in line, waiting to give his note to  the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might  call the police before he reached  the teller’s window.  So he left the Bank  of America and crossed the street  to the Wells Fargo Bank.  After  waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his  note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She  read it and, surmising from his spelling  errors, that he wasn’t the brightest light in  the harbor, told him that she could  not accept his stickup note because it was  written on a Bank of America  deposit slip and that he would either have to  fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go  back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,  “OK” and left.  He was arrested a few  minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don’t bother with this  guy’s sign …..  He probably couldn’t read it anyway.
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A picture is worth a thousand words or…..

A motorist was  unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured  his speed using radar and photographed  his car.  He later received in the  mail, a ticket for $40 and a photo of his  car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several  days later, he received a letter  from the police that contained another  picture, this time, of handcuffs.  He  immediately mailed in his  $40.

Smart ass ….. But you still get a  sign.
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With age eventually comes wisdom

A guy walked into a  little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of  the  cash from the cash drawer. After the  cashier put the cash in a bag, the  robber saw a bottle of  Scotch that he wanted  behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as  well, but the cashier refused and said, “You don’t look like you’re over 21.”  The robber insisted he was, but the clerk  still refused to give it to him because  she didn’t believe him.  At this point,  the robber, getting flustered, took his driver’s license out of  his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and acknowledged that the  man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber  then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave  the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours  later.

This guy definitely  needs a sign.
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Not following directions can be hazardous to your health

A pair of Michigan robbers entered  a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,  “Nobody move or I’ll shoot!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign.
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Willpower versus a “higher power”

From a small town in Arkansas ~ Seems this guy  wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided  that he’d just throw a cinder block through a  liquor store window, grab some  booze, and run.  So, he lifted the cinder  block and heaved it over his head at  the window .  The cinder block bounced  back, hitting him in the head, instantly knocking him unconscious.  It  seems the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass. The whole event was  caught on videotape.

Yep, here’s your  sign.

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Sign, sign, everywhere a sign…

I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the “Deer Crossing” sign on our road. The reason being (and I quote) “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! – I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore”.

Probably wouldn’t even know what to do with the sign anyways.

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Thought for the week …..

To err is human….. but being an idiot takes something special.

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Stupid Warning Labels

this-sign-has-sharp-edges1

Ridiculous, Stupid and Yet Funny Warning Labels that you have to see to believe!

In today’s world our lawsuit-obsessed society has forced product manufacturers to cover their “you-know-whats” by attaching warning labels to protect us from ourselves. Some are funny, some are absolutely ridiculous, but all are guaranteed to stand up in the court of law. Enjoy!

1. Child-size Superman and Batman costumes come with this warning label: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

2. A clothes iron comes with this caution: “Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.” Ouch!

3. The instructions for a medical thermometer advise: “Do not use orally after using rectally.”

4. The side of a Slush Puppy cup warns: “This ice may be cold.” The only thing dumber than this would be a disclaimer stating: “No puppies were harmed in the making of this product.”

5. The box of a 500-piece puzzle reads: “Some assembly required.”

6. A Power Puff Girls costume discourages: “You cannot save the world!”

7. A box of PMS relief tablets has this advice: “Warning: Do not use if you have prostate problems.”

8. Cans of Easy Cheese contain this instruction: “For best results, remove cap.”

9. A warning label on a nighttime sleep-aid reads: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

10. Cans of self-defense pepper spray caution: “May irritate eyes.

11. Both boys and girls should read the label on the Harry Potter toy broom: “This broom does not actually fly.”

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warning_sign

Here, for your continued enjoyment are 20 more of the dumbest examples of this phenomenon:

  1. CD Player > Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult
  2. Electric Router > This product is not intended for use as a dental drill
  3. Chainsaw > Do not attempt to stop chain with hands
  4. Dishwasher > Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher
  5. Fireplace Log > Caution, risk of fire
  6. Sleeping Pills > Warning: May cause Drowsiness
  7. Underarm spray deodorant > Do not spray in eyes
  8. Hair Dryer > Never use hairdryer while sleeping
  9. Laser Printer Toner > Do not eat toner
  10. Small Wheeled Wheelbarrow > Not intended for highway use
  11. TV Remote Control > Not dishwasher safe
  12. Car Windscreen Sun shield > Do not drive with sun shield in place
  13. Bathroom Heater > This product is not to be used in bathrooms
  14. Air Conditioner > Do not place hand in fan whilst fan is running
  15. Bicyclist’s Shin Guards > Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body that they do not cover
  16. TV Set Manual > Do not pour liquids into the TV
  17. CD Player > Warning: Dangerous warning inside
  18. Birthday Candles > Do not use soft wax as earplugs or any other function that involves insertion into body cavity
  19. Baby Stroller > Remove baby before folding
  20. Aim-n-Flame Fireplace Lighter > Do not use near fire, flame or sparks

This list was sourced from the book “Unusually Stupid Americans” published in 2003 by Villard.